B’nai Mitzvah at Congregation Beth David : The Path (HaDerekh)
Becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah signals a young person’s entry into the adult Jewish community. The ceremony itself marks and celebrates this event; which includes tradition, learning, growth, and taking on new responsibilities.
Your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a public acknowledgement of your family’s commitment to Jewish community and education. It is an exhilarating moment along the path of learning, spiritual growth and commitment to Mitzvot, the commandments of Jewish law that frame the way Jews serve God and their communities through study, prayer, and acts of lovingkindness. Along the way, you will discover the rewards of recognizing your child’s steps from childhood towards maturity within the context of a committed Jewish life. And it is holy for us as a community to support and celebrate this transformation with you.
Although the journey begins at childhood, at Congregation Beth David, a child’s path towards mitzvot officially begins when a child is in Kita Dalet (4th grade) and continues through and beyond the child’s thirteenth birthday. B’nai Mitzvah Timeline & Planner
This booklet is designed to guide you through the bar/bat mitzvah journey year-by-year beginning with fourth grade. It will become your quick reference for most everything having to do with your child’s bar/bat mitzvah. We have tried to anticipate your questions and provide you with the answers as well as the names of people to contact if you need more information.
What is a Bar/Bat Mitzvah?
Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah (plural: B’nai Mitzvah) are religious terms meaning “son or daughter of the commandments’”. They refer to an individual who has attained adulthood. Don’t get too excited. It just means the child has reached an age when he/she is considered able to accept responsibility for conducting him/herself according to God’s commandments.
A Jewish boy automatically becomes Bar Mitzvah at age 13. Girls are technically considered Bat Mitzvah at 12. However, Congregation Beth David is committed to an egalitarian philosophy, affording identical treatment for men and women in all religious rites. So, most B’nai Mitzvah ceremonies for both boys and girls take place on, or shortly after, their thirteenth Hebrew birthday.
While no formal ceremony is necessary for a person to be considered Bar/Bat Mitzvah, it is customary to mark this turning point in the life of a Jewish child with a religious ceremony. This provides the Bar/Bat Mitzvah student with an opportunity to exercise their new rights as full members of the Jewish community by receiving their first Aliyah.
Profile of the Pre-Adolescent
It is no accident that the English language has a special term for the period of human life that begins at approximately age 13. We speak of the “onset of the teens” or the “beginning of adolescence.” It is the time of puberty, of dramatic physical changes, when a young boy or girl — perceiving body transformations — begins to comprehend that he/she will not be a child forever. Life choices are quickly explored and cast aside. There is a certain amount of sexual exploration, of experimentation with alcoholic beverages, drugs, and cigarettes. New teens (and kids in that exceedingly sticky age known as “pre-adolescence”) test their parents in an attempt to define for themselves the parameters of their independence. Hero worship and peer pressure, both in fashion and ideas, are at their most potent during these years. Do you remember your own adolescence? Many people get nostalgic — until they really remember! Adolescence is a very difficult transition period.
The Jewish tradition has designated this age of ferment as the appropriate time for a young person to stand in front of the congregation and declare, by both words and actions, “This is what I have learned so far. I still don’t know very much about our ancient and complicated religious tradition. But I can read from the Torah. I can lead services from the Siddur. I am ready to take my place as a responsible member of the Jewish people.”
This religious transition brings with it dramatic changes as well. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah begins wearing a tallit, and at weekday services, tefillin. He/she now assumes the mitzvah of fasting on Yom Kippur. He/she may be counted in a minyan. Apparently, our tradition has long recognized the legitimacy of the teenage quest for independence and maturity: Thirteen-year-olds are provided with new observances in Jewish ritual (acknowledgment of their maturity), coupled with the obligation for responsible action (evidence that they are old enough to be independent). The teenager has mastered basic language skills in learning to read Hebrew; he/she has studied the rudiments of Jewish history, customs and ceremonies. He/she is becoming a Jewish adult.
Just as your child is questioning all areas of life (and particularly those that involve direction and restraint), so too is he/she questioning the validity of Judaism and participation in Jewish activities. He/she might state that he/she does not want to be different, does not want to be Jewish. He/she might make attendance at Religious School an issue of contention. The parent should be aware that these changes and the resulting identity issues are to be expected. The cause of the change in behavior is due to these factors and not necessarily the Religious School curriculum: although a child might complain bitterly about attendance, his/her participation might be positive. A child who seems to function well in public school might display negative behavior in Religious School because of the identity issues involved. Don’t throw up your hands and say, “I can’t do anything with my kid. I’m glad I could at least get him/her to stay in Hebrew school long enough to prepare for his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah.”
Instead, why not consider an entirely different response: “Let’s work through your doubts, questions, and resentments. Other people have had feelings like yours before. As you know, Judaism matters a great deal to us (me). Instead of letting you quit now, we’d (I’d) like you to be involved with continuing your Jewish education so that you can explore these issues. Give it a chance. It’s the only way that you will really be able to make an informed decision about what you believe and what you want to do about it.”
There are, of course, no guarantees that this approach will work. But hysteria is certainly a counterproductive method. Over the years, we have observed many Jewish teenagers make the discovery that pushing the “I don’t want to be Jewish” button produces a gratifying response. Sympathy, logic and friendly firmness at those times when you can retain your cool seem to work best with teenagers. (They may stomp off to their rooms and slam the door, but it doesn’t mean that they haven’t heard you or registered your message.) Nor is there any certainty that your child will rebel by rejecting Jewish connections and values. The only certainty seems to be that the vast majority of teenagers create confrontational issues with their parents specifically because they need direct confrontation. They need to define limits in order to establish areas of freedom. You can help them (and yourselves) by being consistent and by at least trying to be reasonable. Above all, never use bailing out of Jewish involvement as an incentive to work on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. That gives precisely the opposite message to the true meaning of the occasion, which is the beginning of participation in Jewish life, not the end.
Finally, it seems to us that Judaism has a powerful and positive message to present to your son/daughter during the celebration of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah: ‘during this time of change as you become a more mature person, we welcome you to the Jewish people as an adult and present to you the highest honor that we can bestow as an indication of your acceptance – calling you to the Torah’. In short, it asks them to begin to form their own identity as a Jew, to begin to own their Judaism for themselves.
Scheduling of Bar/Bat Mitzvah
B’nai Mitzvah are scheduled two years in advance by the ritual committee. The date is determined by the child’s birthday according to the Jewish calendar. Although it is true that a girl is considered to be a Bat Mitzvah from the age of 12 and one day, it is our general practice to wait until the thirteenth birthday, in order to keep the boys and girls in the same grade more or less synchronized with one another. Therefore all students (whether at our Religious School or at Day School) will be presented with their date during a special family education hour in 5th grade.
Requirements
- Educational
- A Bar/Bat Mitzvah candidate must be currently enrolled in Congregation Beth David’s Religious School or in a Jewish Day School. They must have attended Congregation Beth David’s Religious School for a minimum of three years or a combination of Day School and Religious School, or, if new to the Congregation, must demonstrate proficiency in Tefillah and Torah reading skills, as well as a knowledge of Jewish history. Bar/Bat Mitzvah training generally begins 6 months prior to the B’nai Mitzvah date and includes regular attendance at Youth Services.
- During the Bar/Bat Mitzvah year, students shall maintain an attendance record of at least 85% or be required to prepare equivalent make-up work as determined by the Educational Director.
- In the event that a Bar/Bat Mitzvah candidate is in the last year of Religious School at the time of the ceremony, he or she must make a written commitment to complete the school year.
- All Bar/Bat Mitzvah students are trained in the use of Tallit and Tefillin in Religious School. We encourage all families to present to their child their own Tallit and their own set of Tefillin. In many communities in the Conservative movement women have begun to accept the obligation of wearing Tefillin.
- Attendance at Shabbat morning services at Beth David: Your child must attend at least 15 times during the year at either Youth Congregation or in the main sanctuary at a classmate’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah. We encourage the student and the family to attend at least twice per month during the six months preceding Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This provides the opportunity to become familiar with the customs and practices of a Shabbat morning service at Beth David.
- Children with Special Learning Needs (Netivot – Pathways/Myuhad)
All children are welcome to become Bar/Bat Mitzvah at Congregation Beth David. We are committed to helping you find the best way for your child to have a successful and meaningful Bar/Bat Mitzvah. For complete details, please refer to our Netivot-Myuhad information.
- Congregational
- Since the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a sacred moment for the entire family, we require that the family be a member of Congregation Beth David or at another synagogue for at least two years before the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
- The Bar/Bat Mitzvah member family must be in good standing with the congregation for the ceremony to occur.
Service Participation
- Role of Bar/Bat Mitzvah
No matter how many times you have attended Shabbat services and seen someone’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah, there are still may have questions about what exactly needs to be learned, and the Bar/Bat Mitzvah’s role. The following is a list of things that are possible:- Be able to lead the Torah Service & the Concluding Service and know the rituals of the Shabbat service
- Be able to chant the Blessing before & after the Torah Reading
- Be able to chant the Maftir Torah portion (minimally)
- Be able to chant the Blessings before & after the Haftarah
- Be able to chant the Haftarah
- Give a d’var Torah prepared with an Adult mentor from the community that helps your child understand their Torah & Haftarah portion
- Be a Shabbat morning Greeter at a prior Bar/Bat Mitzvah
- Additional Participation (dependent on student’s ability, interest, and choice)
- Additional Torah readings
- Musaf
- Birkhot Hashahar/Pseukei D’zimra
- Family Involvement
In Congregation Beth David we recognize that each family unit is unique, with varied backgrounds, living situations and religious involvement. But every family that chooses to celebrate this rite of passage with their child can participate in and enjoy the training process together. Your child will appreciate it when you take an active interest in his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation. Inquire as to his or her progress and make an effort to listen to your child practice the Haftarah and/or Torah portion on a regular basis. Even if you do not know Hebrew, your attention will help build the child’s confidence and convey the value you place on Jewish tradition.The self-identity issue discussed above is linked to another important life-task of your son/daughter: separation from parents in order to become an independent person. It is interesting that it is at this point according to the Jewish tradition that he/she stands directly before God in terms of his/her responsibility; the parent is no longer held accountable for the deeds of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Indeed, the traditional parental prayer at the time of the B’nai Mitzvah is, “…Blessed be He who has separated me from this responsibility…”This factor of separation will lead to parent-child struggles over control. At the same moment he/she wants to be nurtured (and requires nurturing) as well as to be left alone and treated as a mature adult. The parent experiences conflict over how much to let go and how much to take care of. The issue of separation will sometimes be a factor in conflicts over the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The parents might have specific expectations that will be regarded as an imposition by the child.
Our major concern is that the Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation and event engender a positive Jewish identity. We have found that giving your son/daughter responsibility and holding his/her accountable for assignments will send the message that we respect his/her individuality. We have also discovered that in so doing we must give the student some control in regard to amount of participation in the service. At this point in his/her life when both growth and emotions seem to be out of control to the degree that he/she does not have a secure identity, the choice regarding the kind of participation in the service is appreciated.
The entire staff will encourage the student to participate as much as possible in the service depending on ability and interest. He/she will, at least, be called to the Torah and prepare and deliver a talk based on the Haftarah (prophetic selection) portion.
- Families of B’nai Mitzvah students are required to participate in the B’nai Mitzvah Family Education programs through the Religious School. The B’nai Mitzvah Family Education programs begin in Kita Dalet. B’nei Mitzvah Timeline & Planner.
- To familiarize participating families with the customs and ceremonies associated with the Shabbat service in our synagogue, each family is encouraged to attend Saturday morning services at least twelve times during the six months prior to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony.
- All candidates should begin meeting the Religious School Youth Service requirements as soon as they become members. (Youth Service page of Wiki)
Preparation; Fees & More
- Thirteen months before your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah date, your account will be billed the fee for individual tutoring & use of the social hall for the kiddush. This fee covers 13 hours of tutoring. This fee must be paid in full, or financial arrangements made with the Finance Committee for tutoring to begin. Should your child require more time than this, the tutor will inform the family, at which time the tutoring becomes “private” with the private tutoring fee paid directly to the tutor.
- Individual tutoring will begin six months before your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah date
- Assignment of a mentor will occur approximately 5 – 6 months before your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah date
- Other suggested dates for planning the simha can be found on the B’nai Mitzvah Timeline & Planner.
- More detailed information surrounding the simha can be found in our B’nai Mitzvah Nuts & Bolts